Iris

It hit me in the feels

As I am sure many people are prone to interpreting a song’s message to find catharsis with their own circumstance, I am no different. Recently I heard the song Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls, and as if I was staring into a calm lake, I couldn’t help by see my transgender identity reflected back.

I hear this line as the person I once was. I would give up my existence to become the girl within. When I am alone, and free to express myself as her, I am as close to heaven as I can be, and I never want this feeling to end.

Inevitably, I found myself needing to hide the girl and return to the world as a person I simply cannot stand. For this brief moment I’ve been so close to heaven, that my proximity to hell is undeniable.

In those moments when I am alone with her, she’s all I can experience. Every breath I take is like the freshest air imaginable, but it can’t last… Sooner or later, it’s over. I just need to relish the moment before it’s gone.

The absolute most painful thing about transition is knowing that those I love won’t understand. So I hide, I keep hiding; I am broken.

I want nothing more than for the world to know who I really am.

Unable to exist as myself meant withholding emotion that I longed so hard to express. It wasn’t right for a “man” to express these feelings, or so I’d been lead to believe. I kept it all in; a blanket of lies hiding my truth.

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