Drumpf Ends Birth Right Citizenship

Now the only citizens are immigrants who passed a test

Drumpf consulted no advisors about the decision, including his new buddy Kanye West who gave him the idea last month during a manic rage after forgetting to take his meds for most of the month. Once West stabilized, he left a message on Drumpf’s unsecured cell phone: “I take back that crazy-assed shit about the Fourteenth Amendment. Kim won’t let me in the bedroom till I drop it.”

The executive order, which Drumpf composed on his cell phone, reads:

Alt-Right groups had prepared for this moment with a legal challenge, which many believed would allow the administration to push the Order through to the Supreme Court as quickly as possible. The newest Court ruled 5–4, that Drumpf’s executive orders take legal precedence over the Constitution.

Justice Kavanaugh’s opinion declared: “It’s not like the amendments are really part of the Constitution. With the exception of the 2nd Amendment, which was inadvertently left from the original, all the others are little more than suggestions tacked on by voters unhappy with their own founding document.“

By midnight the Justice Department notified 290 newly declared non-citizens that they had to return to their country of origin before Tuesday’s elections. “The law’s the law,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions declared. “If you didn’t pass the test and take the oath because you never got off your lazy ass and counted on the birth-right thing, you’re shit out of luck.”

Most legal scholars agree with Sessions. Once birth-right citizenship was revoked retroactively, only legal immigrants who met the requirements and took the oath of citizenship are citizens under Drumpf’s executive order. The White House appealed the White House decision to the Supreme Court, but Roberts refused to consider the appeal.

“We upheld the decision three hours ago, and now they want us to overturn? Good luck with that,” he ruled. Kavanaugh reportedly tried to convene an emergency session but none of the Justices would return his texts, emails or calls.

ICE arrived at the White House late this evening to arrest and deport Drumpf, Drumpf, Jr., and Jared Kirshner as they celebrated Drumpf’s brilliant maneuver. Only Melania was allowed to remain, having qualified for her citizenship.

Sessions Tweeted, “The Presidency is vacant because Ex-Führer Drumpfkopf banned birth right citizenship, which nullifies his own. The Government will be on pause until legal immigrants who earned their citizenship, including Mexicans and Moslems, can elect a new one.”

Senior Republicans considered meeting to overturn the Executive Order, but Senate Leader Chuck Schumer reminded them that would restore Drumpf to the Oval Office. All but Mitch McConnell and Chuck Grassley decided to let the issue pass.

Schumer and Paul Ryan asked Melania and any other legal citizens to remain and monitor the government until the “New Real Americans” could hold elections.

Just before this story went to press, Drumpf Tweeted from business class on the economy air line flying him back to Germany. “This birth right bullshit was a PLOT BY LIBERAL DEMOCRATS to put SHIT HOLE PEOPLE in power. The Nazis were right. You can’t trust any COLOR but WHITE. And GREEN for money.”

German Chancellor Angela Merkel announced she would meet Drumpf’s plane and make sure he was escorted to the Polish border where he would be delivered to Russia. Vladimir Putin counter-announced Drumpf was not welcome in Russia because, “he’s a pain in the ass who lost his value in the biggest bonehead move in the history of bonehead moves.”

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