A History of Haters

Perhaps you have heard, or even used, the term “haters”. What is a hater? Should I be concerned? Am I a hater?

To better understand these burning questions, let us take a trip through history. While the term hater has become popular in recent years, our jaunt into the past will show that this idea is as old as humanity itself.

The first recorded hater was Cain. Cain and Abel were the sons of Adam and Eve. Abel was an organic, biodiversified, permacultured, heritage-vegetable farmer. He was boring but very nice. Cain took care of sheep. One day, Abel was like, “Hey god, I really appreciate you, and here are some of my vegetables to show you. I know you can’t eat them and they will just rot or whatever or some deer will eat them but it’s all for you, dude.”

Cain was upset because he thought they were going in on something together, Abel. Cain was PISSED. He had officially drunk the haterade. He picked up a large smooth stone and smashed Abel’s skull. “OH MAN, you should see your face!!!” Cain crowed to a silent valley. God then dunked on Cain.

The next notable occurrence of haters was also in the Bible. Because that is our most reliable history book. This was the curious case of Job’s friends. Job was rich as shit because he had made some wise early investments in bitcoin (little broken bits of coins). When he went through his tribulations, his “friends” seemed pretty stoked to tell him it was because of something he did. Eliphaz also mentioned Job only brought raisin bread pudding to potlucks. Job ended up getting new friends.

We will now skip around in history a bit and come to nazis. Notorious haters. What didn’t they hate? Sharp suits. They hated everything else though. The nazis were especially problematic because they killed people, which is pretty extreme if you ask me. They also demonstrated a common mark of haters, which is thinking they are completely right and everyone else is completely wrong. The saddest part of all this is that nazis are back. It still feels weird to say that, like saying the entire cast of Cocoon is back, but no. Zombie Cocoon cast would be much preferable.

The Spanish Inquisition is yet another haterific period in time. If you will note, there are a LOT of religious haters. Very LOL. In this case, they were all like “Hey, Muslims, you cut that out! Cut that out or we will be forced to try out these extremely complex means of torture we just now came up with for no reason.” And they did. And also Christopher Columbus was like “I’m an asshole, I’d love to get in on this.” And he did.

Flip flops are an extremely divisive topic for such a simple shoe. Many people think feet, like children, should be smelled and not seen. The modern flip flop is a thong (th-thong thong thong) of plastic or leather attached to a rubber or straw foot-shaped cushion. The thong isolates the big toe from the other lesser toes. Because of this foot strap, it’s very difficult to wear flip flops with socks, but not impossible! Keep trying. The flip flop that draws the most ire is the platform flop. This is based mostly out of jealousy for the amazing calves that blossom from continued platform flop usage.

Beliebers are a group of people who seem to hate everything except their savior who is a tattooed baby man. I don’t know much about this society, however recently, they were a group that inspired awe and fear. Then everyone saw their god’s penis and some of the magic died.

In conclusion, it’s really between you and your tattooed god’s penis whether or not you are a hater. However, if you find that you “have trouble getting along with most people” chances are it is you who is the hater.

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