Stop Rebelling and Start Trusting

notes on the art of fulfillment

My friend asked me this morning “What are you going to write about today?” It took me a moment to decide. “Probably being unashamed of what you truly, deeply want.”

So many of us say we want one thing and inside, we are crying for something completely different. The person who says, “I only care about what I feel like inside” might desire the leanest of bods but feel ashamed of such a shallow want. The person who says, “I am fine here” has somewhere else they’d rather be but wouldn’t dare step on anyone’s toes to get there. The person who says, “I want to go to the party this weekend” is trying to say there will be someone they want to see and they’re too embarrassed to say.

The person who says, “I don’t know what I want” knows exactly what the fuck they want — they’re just too afraid of hurting feelings or being burdensome or being a shame or having to work for it (God forbid). The list goes on.

You know when you’re kidding yourself. Why do you do that? Why don’t you just say what’s on your fucking mind? Why don’t you just say what you want? Who is honestly going to judge you for it, and if they do, who the fuck cares? Whose face are you trying to save and why? This is what you want, not what they want. This is what’s going to make sense to and for you, not to and for them.

Here’s the scoop.

I moved to Colorado this year. It’s been my dream home for the longest time. There were a few other places I’d briefly considered, but my heart always wound up here. I love this place for reasons which lie beyond words.

I lived in Texas for two years prior. I spent most of my time seeking out any semblance of a direction. I was Colorado dreaming the entire time. I couldn’t get my heart off of my mind, and the longer I tried to forget about it, the more it nagged.

The call to Colorado was a whisper for quite some time, but the dream was sick of being quiet— my heart was screaming. I had to go.

I held off on the move for a long-ass time in part because of my broke-ass-bitch-ness (excuses) but in most (does that work?) because I thought other people knew what was best for me.

Telling my family how badly I wanted to pursue this move had me queasy and, quite frankly — TRIPPIN’. I used to think it was hard to tell them because I was a self-proclaimed people pleaser and I thought they would be crushed if I didn’t stay (in reality, they’re the most supportive motherfuckers out there!). I realize now that people pleasing is less about hurting people’s feelings and more the byproduct of a lack of trust in oneself.

Let me explain.

Moving was hands down the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. There were multiple tests I had to pass (yah know, life tests) to get here, and I passed with flying colors because my conviction was unshakeable (that’s how you know).

Colorado had everything: the unexplainable draw, the moving in with no intention of leaving (for once), the feeling of being home.

And now, speaking from the other side of things, I can say with full confidence that it was, in fact, the right thing to do. The proof is in the teachings.

I learned (among 120821382308123 other things) that you do know what’s best for you. When you don’t trust yourself, you are doing a disservice to yourself and the world around you because you are cock-blocking yourself from total fulfillment. When you trust yourself completely, you don’t feel the need to seek council from others (you might, but if their wise opinions don’t resonate, you keep moving — pun totally intended). When you trust yourself fully, you report to yourself only — your own heart, mind, gut.

I guarantee you know exactly what the fuck you want. You’re just too scared to verbalize it. To ask for it. To demand it. To work for it.

Trust yourself, dammit! Your heart doesn’t lie, and you don’t need to take my word for it.

(Hot tip: You don’t stop people pleasing by rebelling; you stop people pleasing by trusting yourself.)

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