Anything but Ordinary in a World that Worships the Status Quo

Why you should stop asking your boss for feedback on how to do better and save your best trailblazer moments for use outside the office

I’m a career-advice, self-help, how-to-live-a-better-life and get-along-better-with-everyone junkie. I guess you could say I like to investigate different styles and advice for “healthier” living (mostly mental health, because I enjoy chocolate and carbs too much to think kale is a reasonable substitute).

I’ve had many jobs, many bosses, and countless insufferable one-on-ones, also known as annual (or in one ridiculous instance, monthly) reviews of my performance, and therefore raise-worthiness, with the boss.

At some point, I picked up the advice to use these meetings to seek out at least one thing my superior felt I was doing well, as well as one thing I could improve upon. A reasonable person might expect to gain more insight into what said boss or organization values and candid but work-based answers.

In my experience, having tried this tactic with multiple bosses at multiple jobs, this question almost always backfires. For one, if your boss hasn’t already identified what you do well and what you need to work on, they don’t understand the purpose of these meetings anyway.

Secondly, and most importantly, something about this question — and maybe it is just me, I haven’t found the right opportunity to walk around querying others, and I doubt I’d find a similarly-minded individual who would even be comfortable with the practice of trying to take these dreaded meetings to a deeper level (masochism! some beleaguered office workers might say) — seems to invite commentary, not on work-related topics, but on my personality.

“Can you give me feedback on at least one thing I’m doing exceptionally well, and one thing that I could work on doing better?”

It’s a simple question, one that should invite a candid, simple answer.

Instead, the overwhelming majority of the time, it goes like this:

“You’re a great worker, very organized and you love teaching and leading others. You produce great results. But…you could be less quiet, less serious, and/or take things less personally.”

I used to be surprised by the paradoxical dichotomy of these answers. But I’ve heard them enough times to realize that people actually believe they are being helpful.

The first part is easy. Tell someone what they’re doing well in their work? Easy peasy.

The rub lies in the second part of the question; the rare opportunity to peel away at our collective obsession with political correctness, our need to leave unhealthy Band-Aids in place for as long as they hold, for the sake of doing anything to avoid a potential whiff of honesty, and it’s even rarer cousin, tactful honesty.

Go one level deeper yet and that’s where you’ll find the Bermuda Triangle, home of the best ah-ha, light bulb moments. Located at the intersection of career growth and personal growth, this place is also the small and well-guarded center of a perfectionist’s inner locker.

When someone, usually a boss, steps up to the plate and thoughtfully shares an insight about you and your work that is both tactfully honest and helpful, and has a degree of opportunity for growth, that’s the bedrock of environment that breeds innovation and The Next Best Thing, whatever that may be in your industry.

This impossibly rare moment is not the easy breezy awarding of another gold star or empty compliment, but something even better: the opportunity to smooth the rough edge of potential. With enough perseverance and elbow grease, it could become the next diamond in your arsenal, the fuel you need to keep aiming higher and conquer new peaks.

With all the potential value that should be built into one-on-one evaluations, why have they become another time-wasting bit of office drudgery? And why do others, especially supervisors, feel the need to give easy compliments on actions and give potentially well-meaning but ultimately useless, hurtful advice and observations on aspects of personality, rather than focusing on the reason you’re both there, the work?

I’m still working on that answer. But my guess is that when you make it your mission to do the job as well as you possibly can, but “fail” to meet societal expectations to do it all with a smile worthy of a Stepford wife, and when you aren’t afraid to question the value of the status-quo and aim higher, people get scared.

Your quest to better yourself and your work threatens their comfort. It often means you are asking them to think about something other than themselves and the thoughtless autopilot of doing the same things the same way day after day.

People fear change. People dislike boat-rockers and outside-the-box thinkers. They want a Yes Man, or a Yes Woman, as long as she is prepared to Smile, Smile, Smile.

So if you are a confirmed member of the Do It Better club and believe in pushing yourself and others to higher levels of growth and thinking that might lead to a helpful change in the status quo, do your thing the best way you know how. Don’t ask your boss how you can do things better. Because the truth is, most bosses aren’t promoted because they know how to do things better or how to encourage others to blaze a trail.

Most bosses get to where they are because they were the best Yes Men or Smiley (or worse, Quiet Caretaker Who Doesn’t Make Waves) Women of their pool of workers at the time. That’s it.

They weren’t innovative. They didn’t push themselves or anyone else to do anything worthwhile and meaningful. They were simply better water cooler chat partners that kept showing up long enough to age into the next level.

There is only one thing you can do to guard against the sharp edges of the cogs in the wheels of the rat race when you are anything but ordinary: the next time you have a one-on-one/annual evaluation, swallow the impulse to use it as a growth tool.

Say thank you for the raise, if there is one, smile (at least briefly, to signal you are happy enough here to work another day), and go on about the business of being who you are and doing the best you can with whatever skills and personality you have.

One final piece of parting wisdom: don’t waste too much time and energy trying to fix the Workbroken corporations and status quo-loving businesses you help prop up in order to make a living.

Instead, find something that makes you feel happy, content, and like your talents are needed. But make it something that isn’t dependent on a paycheck. Save whatever Yes Man / Smiley Woman you have for earning the dollars in the place with cubicle walls and time clocks. Lend your true brilliance to a worthy cause that makes you feel like your efforts do make a difference. Your light is important, you just have to discover where to let it shine (hint: it’s rarely under the bush of a 9 to 5 gig).

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